Social Skills May 12
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PRESENTATION OUTLINE
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Photo by Bobby Acree
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the highway. Looking at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, “pull over! “”No! “The woman yelled back, “cardigan! “
Photo by Tanaphong Toochinda
I quit my job working for Nike. I just couldn’t do it anymore.
Photo by daniel.julia
I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.
Photo by Caleb Woods
A mom texts, “Hi! Son, what do IDK, LY, and TTYL mean? He texts back, “I don’t know, love you and talk to you later. The mom replies, “ It’s OK, don’t worry about it. I’ll ask your sister. Love you too.”
Photo by Mia Baker
“Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach, and now I’m the proud owner of aisle seven.”
Photo by Fikri Rasyid
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.
Photo by JD Hancock
During the pandemic, my two granddaughters—6 and 8 years old—were being home schooled by their mom. One day, the eight year old had a spelling bee with her sister. “Spell ELEPHANT, the older one said. “Let her spell small animals, not big ones,” said her mom. The older sister paused, then said, “Spell MOSQUITO.”
Photo by Oregon State University
Two weeks after I had photos taken of my baby, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a color monitor. The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he rattled off his sales pitch so quickly that I couldn’t get a word in. Finally, after we’d seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in. “None,” I replied. “This isn’t…
Photo by Luis Mateo Doblado
Why did I have to learn what a rhombus is? Literally nothing is rhombus shaped.
Photo by origami joel
“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.
Photo by Mourner
The guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. “There are no fish under the ice! “He ignores it and move to another area, cut the hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice “there are no fish under the ice! “He nervously looks up asks am I hearing things.” “No, this is the Rink manager,”
Photo by Clay Banks
A couple of dog owners are arguing about who’s pet is smarter. “My dog is so smart, “says the first owner, “that every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee. “”I know, “says a second dog owner. “How do you know? “”My dog told me. “
Photo by Matthew Henry
I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t. Just to be sure, I went around the block and pass the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as a camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snails pace. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt.
Photo by Sam Rudkin-Millichamp
When do cows go to sleep? When it’s pasture bedtime.
Photo by Jakob Cotton
“What does the word CONTEMPLATE mean? “The college student asked his English professor. “Think about it, “the professor answered. “Ugh! “The student ground. “Can’t you just tell me? “
Photo by Changbok Ko
Snake 1:Are we poisonous?
Snake 2: I don’t know. Why?
Snake 1: I just bit my lip.
Photo by photogism
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe! Breathe!
Photo by Rohit Tandon
You’re riding a horse at full speed. You’re being chased by a lion and there’s a giraffe in the way in front of you. How will you escape this highly dangerous situation? Get off the carousel.
Photo by R/DV/RS
The other day I was thinking, “I must be the most unobservant person in the world. “Then I thought, “well maybe other people are equally unobservant and I just haven’t noticed before. “
Photo by Diego PH
A couple of cockroaches are munching on the contents of a garbage can in a deserted alley. “Have you popped into that new coffee shop across the street yet? “Asks one. “The floors are so shiny you can see your antenna in them. The walls are so clean you can’t run up them. The air is so fresh it smells like flowers. “”Stop! “Cries the second cockroach. “Please, not while I’m eating. “”
Photo by jeans_Photos
I dress my dog up as a cat for Halloween… Now he won’t come when I call him.
Photo by Beth Teutschmann
A stranger enters a store in spots assigned: danger! Beware of dog! Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep on the floor. “Is that the dog was supposed to be aware of? “He asked the owner. “That’s him, “comes to reply. He doesn’t look at all dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign? “”Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him. “
Photo by Jaspal Kahlon
Last night I was walking home and took a shortcut through the cemetery. Three girls walked up to me saying they were too scared to walk in the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk with me. I told them: “I understand. I used to freak out too when I was alive. “I’ve never seen anyone run that fast!
Photo by Scott Rodgerson
I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. He bit himself.
Photo by David Menidrey
A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. “What are you? “Ask the cat. “A gnome, “comes to reply. “I steal food from humans. I ruin their plans and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you? “The cat replies, “, I am a gnome. “
Photo by Lyndse Ballew
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Photo by Mister Wind-Up Bird
I was driving my three year old granddaughter, Nina, to daycare one morning after a heavy snowfall. I said to her, “everything is so so white grandma doesn’t even know where the road is. “She innocently replied, “grandma, it’s under the snow. “
Photo by Bert Kaufmann
Green beans are the most Zen of all the vegetables because they found their inner peas.
Photo by JeepersMedia
