An executive is preparing for an important finance exam in his basement study room. He's explicitly instructed his six-year-old daughter not to disturb him. He's deep into studying when his daughter knocks on the door.
"I thought I told you not to interrupt me," he says sharply. The little girl bursts into tears and runs off.
Later, the man's wife berates him for upsetting their daughter. The man defends himself until his wife cuts in:
"I sent her down to you to say goodnight, and ask if you wanted a cup of coffee to help with your studying. Why did you yell at her instead of asking her why she was there?"
We've all seen this situation play out in some form or another at home, and especially at work. And, we've all been on both ends of the interaction, when we didn't ask the right question and jumped to conclusions, or when someone told us at length what they thought we needed to know without asking us.
Stop and think about how this feels. You might feel annoyed, frustrated, or even patronized.
Our society values telling over asking, especially in leaders.
One reason for this is that many people see asking questions as a sign of ignorance, and therefore weakness. Many organizations want leaders who will tell their subordinates what to do. Asking questions can be subtly frowned upon.
So why does our society value telling over asking?

Most of us have a bias towards telling in our conversations. And, don't worry, it's not necessarily a character flaw. Our society values telling over asking, especially in leaders.
One reason for this is that many people see asking questions as a sign of ignorance, and therefore weakness. Many organizations want leaders who will tell their subordinates what to do. Asking questions can be subtly frowned upon.
Even when we do ask questions, we often don't ask the right ones. All too often, our questions are just another form of telling. We might ask a question we already know the answer to, or ask to test what we think is right. These types of questions don't build relationships, and they can even hurt them.
So is there anyway to avoid that? Today we will learn about a new technique. It's called "Humble Inquiries".

In "Humble Inquiry," you learn why it's so important to ask instead of tell, in your conversations and relationships. And, you learn how to ask the right questions at the right time. Knowing how to inquire humbly and intelligently can help you build better relationships, avoid costly mistakes, solve problems more effectively, and brainstorm better ideas.
So, what does Humble Inquiry actually mean? Humble Inquiry is "the fine art of drawing someone out, of asking questions to which you do not already know the answer, and of building a relationship based on curiosity and interest in the other person."
That's humble inquiries. But how to make humble inquiries?

To ask the right questions, you need to be humble. Humility is when you grant another person a status higher than the one you claim for yourself.
There are three types of humility.

Those 3 types of humility are based on three types of status.

The first type is Basic Humility. This is the minimum amount of respect required in social situations, and the expected politeness and civility that adults owe each other.

The second type is optional humility. This is what you feel in the presence of someone who has achieved more than you. It's called optional humility because you have the choice to put yourself in the presence of others who humble you with their achievements.

The last type of humility is the most important in understanding the concept of Humble Inquiry. It's called here-and-now humility. This what you feel when you're depending on someone else. Your status is inferior to the other person’s, because they know something, or can do something, you need to accomplish a task or goal.

Let's go through an example of this humility.

Those are 3 types of Humility. We also have 3 types of inquiry.

This is a way to get a conversation started with Humble Inquiry is to ask, "What's happening?" "What brings you here?" or, "What's going on?" You can also say, "Go on…" or, "Give me an example.”

The second type of inquiry is called Diagnostic Inquiry. With Diagnostic Inquiry, you steer the conversation towards something specific. For example, questions like "What caused you to feel that way?" or "How did you get here?" are examples of Diagnostic Inquiry.

The third type of inquiry is Confrontational Inquiry. This is where you start inserting your own ideas into the conversation using questions. This can take the form of rhetorical questions or leading questions. Confrontational Inquiry can still be based on curiosity or interest, but the difference is that it's in connection to your own interests.
Confrontational Inquiry sounds like this:
"Didn’t that make you feel angry?" or "Why don't we go to the movies tonight?"
In those two examples you can really hear how the other person is interjecting their own wants or opinions into the question.
Instead, you could have said: "How did that make you feel?" and "What would you like to do tonight?"
We have 3 types of inquiry but why humble inquiry seems to be the most powerful one?

Confrontational Inquiry is also called Process-oriented Inquiry. With this, you shift the topic of the conversation onto the conversation itself.
Process-oriented Inquiry can be very powerful because it focuses on the relationship itself. If you've inadvertently offended someone, or if you think a conversation has gone too far, this is a good way to stop and examine what's happening.
Process-oriented Inquiry sounds like this. "Is this too personal?" or "Have I upset you?" or "What do you think is happening between us right now?"

This can count as Humble Inquiry if your motives are to better understand what's happening right now, or to strengthen the relationship.

The biggest difference between Humble Inquiry and these other forms of inquiry is that Humble Inquiry doesn't influence the content of what the other person has to say, or the way it's said.

And here is a model to support you in making the right inquiries

O.R.J.I. is the mental cycle we go through when we gather and process data within a conversation. When you better understand this cycle, you can take steps to slow the process down and ask better questions.
In the O.R.J.I. cycle, the "O" stands for observation. This is what we can see, hear, smell, taste, and touch about the situation. It's important that you try to spot any filters in your observation process. These can come in the forms of denial or projection.
"R" stands for reaction. This is the emotional reaction you experience once you observe something. Analyze how you're feeling before you jump to the next step in the process. This is especially important when you're in a situation or conversation that makes you feel tense, stressed, angry, anxious, or threatened.
"J" stands for judgment. Your ability to judge a situation rationally is limited by the quality of your data. This is one reason why Humble Inquiry is so effective. It's a good way to gather unbiased data from other people, so you can make a sound, unbiased judgment.
"I" stands for intervention. Once you've made a judgment you have to act. But, when you use Humble Inquiry, you minimize the chance that you'll make a bad judgment or act impulsively.
By taking time to reflect on your O.R.J.I. cycle, you might find that sometimes your judgment is logical, but it's based on facts that may not be accurate. Slowing down in situations or conversations will also help you be more aware of what you’re thinking and feeling, so you can ask better questions.