FOUR PILLARS OF RELATIONSHIPS

All kinds of relationship consist of four basic elements. There are some other factors as well but these four are essential. If any are neglected, the relationship comes under difficulty. If failure is not corrected the relationship will begin to breakdown.

Four Pillars

• Love – the most enduring
• Trust – the most fragile
• Respect or Honor – the most neglected
• Understanding or Knowledge – the one that takes longest time

None of the the pillars can substitute the other.
You can't say; "I don't trust him, but I still love him." Love cannot make up for mistrust.
Or you can't say, "I lost my respect for her, but i still really understand her."

Like a chair, a relationship is meant to stand solidly on those four legs. If any is
neglected, things become wobbly. If two are missing things will collapse.

If we want to improve our relationships, we need to work on all of these four pillars. It
needs to be practiced, even if it is not natural to us at first. We need to practice it until it
becomes a normal thing for us.

PILLAR OF LOVE

Agape Love-
This is not love based emotions or performance , but a 1 Corinthians 13 love. This is a love that is not measured on how we love God but on how God love us.
If the love of God fill our hearts it will be a very important pillar of the home.

Sometimes in marriage being right becomes more important then love. You can win the arguments and loose your marriage.

The same in relationships. At times our feeling to be right becomes more important then the relationship.

Proverbs16:2 “All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the LORD.”

What is our motive? A lot of times we don't even know our motive. If being right is more
important then loving others then the pillar of love erodes.

When someone fails, That is when we can show God's love.

The reason why people struggle with this so much is that they grew up based on conditional, performance love.
It is at times of failure we can release people from fear of failure.

1John 4:10 “In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His
Son to be the propitiation for our sins.”
The standard is the love of God, not ours.

Romans 5:5, “Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
God has poured His love in our hearts.

Col 3:14 (NIV), “ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
Just as we put on clothes, we must put on the love of God. We need to open our heart to receive the love of God.

This is a choice we make. It is not some feeling that comes on us, but it is a choice.

PILLAR OF TRUST

Trust is the most fragile. It can be the easily damaged. Once it is broken, it is hard to restore.

Trust is putting confidence in an other person. It is having confidence in the word, their character, integrity, motivation. It is believing the best.

To create intimacy in a relationship and in marriage, you need to have a climate of trust. To have unity in a team (outreach or any other) or YWAM base, you need to have trust. You need a trusting environment so people can open their hearts, be inviting, be vulnerable.

When it comes to trust, a sign should be hung over it saying, "Handle with Care."
Some people find it easy to trust, while others find it very difficult.

Proverbs 31:10-12 (NKJ) “Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies. The heart of her husband safely trusts her; So he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil All the days of her life.”

Trust requires honesty. Trust thrives on honesty. To have trust one needs to be faithful. 1 Cor 4:2 “Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove
faithful (NIV).”

Those of us who have been given trust needs to be faithful.
We need to keep our word. We need to keep our promises.
Very important when we are raising our kids. They pick up quickly.

How do you feel when leaders don't keep their word?
Or how do you feel when your friends don't keep their words?
How do you think others feel when you don't keep your word?

We have to make sure we are committed to the consequences when we say something to our
kids. Our kids knows when our Yes means Yes and our No means No.
It breaks down when we live a double life or there is dishonesty and/or deception.

Trust takes time. It requires getting to know a person. You can't trust someone you don't
know. If you are going to build trust in relationships it will require you to be open and honest. It requires transparency.

Wounded and betrayed people do not easily trust again. They tend to build walls for protection. They protect, but they also separate, isolate, and impression us.
Like children of divorce have a hard time with marriage and to have intimate relationships.
If someone has been abused by a father or a male role module then it is hard for them to trust men again.

Trust is not automatically restored when there is repentance and forgiveness. A lot of people
don't understand this. “If I have been repented and have asked for forgiveness then why don't
you trust me?”
Trust is different. It has to be rebuilt in steps and over time.

Trust requires two things:

• It has to be given. That means taking a risk. A person could be hurt again.
• It has to be earned. You are foolish to keep trusting someone who keeps on breaking it.

“I love you, I forgive you, but I don't trust you.”
To do so would be foolish.

Luke 16:10 (NIV) “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.”
Matt 25:21 (NKJ) “His lord said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.'”

When you are faithful with a few things you can be trusted with much.

When there is adulatory in a marriage, the hardest thing to get over is the deception. The adultery is forgiven, but you can't trust the person.
Trust is making yourself dependent upon another person for some result or outcome. It's a healthy dependency. You can't be forced into it. It's a voluntary response. It's an attitude, and it has three parts.

3 Parts of Trust

• You believe in your mind that the other person is trustworthy. Can you list several people in your life at the present time whom you believe to be trustworthy? Why do you believe this?
• There is an emotional response in trust. You feel assurance or confidence in trusting the other person. Who comes to mind here?
• Your behavior has to come into play when you act on the trust you perceive.

Trust is when you're in the water and a friend reaches down his hand to pull you out and you
reach up and grasp it. You don't hesitate or debate whether he really wants to rescue you.
You believe. You feel confident. You reach out.

But there is a risk in trust. The other person could let you down. Although all life involves some risk, loving makes you especially vulnerable. In fact, you can't be in a loving relationship unless you're willing to run the risk of being hurt. How do you know if you really trust the other person or not? You don't have a backup plan in case the other person lets you down. You don't have a plan "B" in case he or she fails you.

When two people in a relationship have mutual trust, they are sending messages to one another.
They are saying, "I have confidence in you."
They are saying, "I will be here for you when no one else is."
They are saying, "You can depend on me for little and large things."
They are saying, "I will be consistent, not changeable or impulsive."
They are saying, "You can depend on me to speak the truth."

In your relationship (friend, spouse, family member, etc.) to what degree is the other person trustworthy?

Are you a person of trust?

PILLAR OF RESPECT

A third foundation for a relationship — respect or honor — is the most neglected. Very true in
American culture. Real breakdown in western cultures.
Asian cultures and African cultures there is a less breakdown and more respect.

Respect is recognizing and acknowledging the other person's worth or value.
We value their options and feelings.

Some cultures are selective in who they respect. Some cultures don't show respect to women or children. But we are to extend respect to every person.

1Peter 2:17 (NKJ) Honor all people- (NIV) Show proper respect to everyone

Love is the deepest longing for a wife. The deepest longing for a husband is respected by his wife.
The deepest vulnerability for a husband is to get angry or impatient with his wife (not showing love). The deepest vulnerability of the wife is to disrespect her husband.

From the book, “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn a survey was done. They asked men if they had to choose between the two, which one would they choose?

1. feel unloved and alone
2. feel inadequate and disrespected by every body

75% of the men said they would be alone and unloved rather then be disrespected.

Four Types of Honor

• Position. They are the pastor, Leader, Elder
• Achievements. Sport figures. Bill Gates.
• Character. We need to focus this in our families. The world focuses on position and achievements, but not character.
• Intrinsic honor. It is an honor given because you are made in God's image. Every person is worthy of this respect.

We are all created my God. He formed us. He crafted us. We need to honor others because
of the work that he did for us.

Eph 2:10, “For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”

Do you see yourself as God's masterpiece? Do you show yourself proper respect?

How to Show Respect

• Show acceptance. You give recognition.
• Give affirmation and encouragement. 1Th 5:11
• Give appreciation. You give admiration.

PILLAR OF UNDERSTANDING

The fourth essential element of a close relationship — and the one that is so often short-circuited — is understanding.

The first three pillars are dependent upon this one.
Understanding only develops over time. It's based on knowledge. You understand others by getting inside of them and seeing life from their perspective, through their eyes. It involves a tremendous amount of communication - of asking, sharing and listening.

We have a longing to be understood. When we are not understood it can be very fustrating.

If you want to get better at relationships, seek to understand more then being understood.

To get understanding you need to listen. James 1:19, "Be slow to speak, quick to listen."
A lot of times I want to be quick to speak. Give my option, share something.

Proverbs 18:13 You should hear the question before you answer.

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them...."
Matthew 7:12
What does this mean?

Matthew 7:7-12

People will never understand you unless you reveal yourself. Nor will you ever understand others unless he or she is open with you. What is revealed is based on trust, which is based on how well you know one another, which is based on what is revealed.

RISK OF RELATIONSHIP

All these pillars of close relationships involve an ingredient called risk. Neither love, nor trust, nor respect, nor understanding will lead to a loving relationship unless both partners are willing to risk being vulnerable.

So everything boils down to being willing to risk. This is the foundation and the basis of all relationships.

Since relationships are risky, the choice to have a meaningful, lasting connection with an other person may not be an easy choice. However, the rewards of an intimate relationship make it one of the greatest choices you will ever make.