Copy of Copy of Title
An introduction to Circle of Security groups as presented by Taranaki Supporting Families in Mental Illness.
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PRESENTATION OUTLINE
It Is the Relationship
IDifferent from Behaviour based interventions
It's the relationship (and only the relationship) that will build my child's capacity to organize his/her feelings.
My child's problem may look like something done on purpose. But at root, it's an issue of needing to reconnect and learning to handle difficult feelings in a safe and secure way.
By taking a "Together I can/we can figure out what you need " my child will realise I'm in charge, I'm someone bigger, wiser, stronger and kind. This will re assure him, his feelings will settle and organize, and the relationship will have been repaired.
It's the relationship (and only the relationship) that will build my child's capacity to organize his/her feelings.
My child's problem may look like something done on purpose. But at root, it's an issue of needing to reconnect and learning to handle difficult feelings in a safe and secure way.
By taking a "Together I can/we can figure out what you need " my child will realise I'm in charge, I'm someone bigger, wiser, stronger and kind. This will re assure him, his feelings will settle and organize, and the relationship will have been repaired.
Photo by BenedictFrancis
Behaviour Translation
- Children have needs
- Behaviour is how they communicate them
- Reflect and bear the affect
This intervention shows a path to secure attachment by focus ing on children's needs and caregiver's state of mind rather than children's behaviour.
Focusing on behaviours makes caregivers more punitive.
Focusing on meeting children's needs tends to enhance caregiver's empathy and responsiveness.
Focusing on behaviours makes caregivers more punitive.
Focusing on meeting children's needs tends to enhance caregiver's empathy and responsiveness.
Untitled Slide
A roadmap to help parents understand their children's behaviours and needs:
Attachment needs & Exploration needs
Circle of Security provide roadmap to help parents understand their children's behaviours and needs:
Attachment needs & Exploration needs
Children move from one set of needs to another with no traffic signals in between-they dabble in discovery than run back for comfort and This intervention shows a path to secure attachment by focus ing on children's needs and caregiver's state of mind rather than children's behaviour.
Focusing on behaviours makes caregivers more punitive.
Focusing on meeting children's needs tends to enhance caregiver's empathy and responsiveness.protection. They fill their cups with confidence and then dart off again.
These rapidly shifting needs are hidden in plain sight and therefore parents whose own needs went unmet need a roadmap.
Function of attachment seeking behavior:comfort & protection
Function of exploratory behavior: learning and mastery
Full indicator wiggle
Shark music
Attachment needs & Exploration needs
Circle of Security provide roadmap to help parents understand their children's behaviours and needs:
Attachment needs & Exploration needs
Children move from one set of needs to another with no traffic signals in between-they dabble in discovery than run back for comfort and This intervention shows a path to secure attachment by focus ing on children's needs and caregiver's state of mind rather than children's behaviour.
Focusing on behaviours makes caregivers more punitive.
Focusing on meeting children's needs tends to enhance caregiver's empathy and responsiveness.protection. They fill their cups with confidence and then dart off again.
These rapidly shifting needs are hidden in plain sight and therefore parents whose own needs went unmet need a roadmap.
Function of attachment seeking behavior:comfort & protection
Function of exploratory behavior: learning and mastery
Full indicator wiggle
Shark music
Help parents understand their baby's feelings
Track and regulate their own thoughts and feelings in response to their baby's responses
COS teaches observation skills, empathy, benign interpretation of child behaviour, eg "looking for mummy dust" to increase sensitivity and appropriate responsiveness to the child's cues of their need to move away to explore, and come back in for comfort and soothing;
Untitled Slide
- "The past is not dead; hell, it's not even the past."
- William Faulkner
To To reflect on experiences in their own histories that affect their current caregiving
patterns.The COS facilitator or therapist becomes the hands that hold the parent's experience, helps them regulate their feelings and key attachment rupture experiences so they are more able to "be with" their child at times of heightened emotion even when their own shark music is playing. reflect on experiences in their own histories that affect their current caregiving patterns.
patterns.The COS facilitator or therapist becomes the hands that hold the parent's experience, helps them regulate their feelings and key attachment rupture experiences so they are more able to "be with" their child at times of heightened emotion even when their own shark music is playing. reflect on experiences in their own histories that affect their current caregiving patterns.
"I know you feel desperate and afraid, but I am here and you are worth it"
Empathy shift from a focus on anger, blame and shame to a focus on need and relationship
Photo by gohui
Start with the Hands
Always be bigger, stronger, wiser and kind. Whenever possible follow your child's lead. Whenever necessary, take charge.
Then, Bottom of Circle
- Protect me
- Comfort me
- Delight in me
- Organize my feelings
Parents usually more able to manage top or bottom of the circle. Since there's no such thing as a perfect parent, we can all learn, even those of us with grown children, how to be the safe haven hands that offer comfort and protection and help to understand, put words around their experience.
Photo by Julien Haler
Then Top of the Circle
Watch over me
Delight in me
Help me
Enjoy with me
And secure base hands which support exploration, independence, going out and stay present to delight in and enjoy with the child as they move out further and wider into the world.
Photo by mescon
What does it mean when a parent wants a child to stay little?
Why would a parent send her baby out to explore when he's not calm and then remind him he's still upset?
Separation Sensitivity: The Centre of gravity is located in the other, main focus on complying with the other and maintaining an incompetent or regressed self.
Fundamental Dilemma
If I focus on myself (make choices that are consistent with supporting my own capacity) it will bring up my shark music- all the times I was abandoned for trying to do things. Or think things on my own.
Sticky enmeshment, parent teaching child to be separation sensitive.
When empathy stops being empathy and looks like over-identification with the child, therapy should focus on supporting child's developing autonomy and the parent's ability to tolerate the shark music that arises when their child wants to separate and explore.
If we focus on our own lives and our capacity to do things well, we will be bad, selfish and be turned away by those we need most. We beelive we need to focus on what others need and be helpless regarding our own.
We avoid taking a stand for fear of abandonment. We attempt to control those close to us by taking care of them.
We scan for signs something is wrong in a relationship. We are preoccupied with whether we are loved or not.
Our others might be saying " you feel like you're clinging to me."Goal Our opinions and needs are healthy and to give them up denies a deeper intimacy.
Separation Sensitive parent's need to be needed can be intrusive enough that the child learns to be avoidant to cope.
Fundamental Dilemma
If I focus on myself (make choices that are consistent with supporting my own capacity) it will bring up my shark music- all the times I was abandoned for trying to do things. Or think things on my own.
Sticky enmeshment, parent teaching child to be separation sensitive.
When empathy stops being empathy and looks like over-identification with the child, therapy should focus on supporting child's developing autonomy and the parent's ability to tolerate the shark music that arises when their child wants to separate and explore.
If we focus on our own lives and our capacity to do things well, we will be bad, selfish and be turned away by those we need most. We beelive we need to focus on what others need and be helpless regarding our own.
We avoid taking a stand for fear of abandonment. We attempt to control those close to us by taking care of them.
We scan for signs something is wrong in a relationship. We are preoccupied with whether we are loved or not.
Our others might be saying " you feel like you're clinging to me."Goal Our opinions and needs are healthy and to give them up denies a deeper intimacy.
Separation Sensitive parent's need to be needed can be intrusive enough that the child learns to be avoidant to cope.
What does it mean when a parent wants her child to be outstanding and "better than"?
Why are some parents not comfortable letting their child fully experience comfort and protection on bottom of Circle?
Esteem sensitivity
We beleive that who we are is not enough to be valued.
To protect ourselves from criticism, judgment and abandonment we hide our genuine self and attempt to prove we are exceptional.
Perception of us feel s most important. Our perception of what others think of us always seems fragile and we are often disappointed that others don't 'get us.' People have to walk on egg shells around us so we don't experience inadequacy or failure.
hair trigger reaction to criticism, desire to be on the same page as someone else
Vulnerability can feel excruciating.
Others might say "It's not always about you" I feel pressured to be upbeat and only say nice things to you
Goal to recognise genuine self is lovable, mistakes inevitable.
Centre of gravity in the other
Main focus is seeking approval for the false self as a performer/achiever and the special chosen one while hiding the vulnerable humiliated genuine self.
Fundamental dilemma: to be seen is to be rejected.
If I show my genuine self (in areas beyond performance) it will bring up my shark music- all the times I was attacked abandoned and or humiliated for being less than perfect.
They might idealize their relationship with their child but can't give concrete examples.
If parent seems to lack empathy, dismisses the child's need for comfort, therapy will need to include a rationale for meeting needs on the bottom of the circle. Need to avoid criticism but also avoid legitimising the parent's emphasis on pseudo-independence and achievement.
We beleive that who we are is not enough to be valued.
To protect ourselves from criticism, judgment and abandonment we hide our genuine self and attempt to prove we are exceptional.
Perception of us feel s most important. Our perception of what others think of us always seems fragile and we are often disappointed that others don't 'get us.' People have to walk on egg shells around us so we don't experience inadequacy or failure.
hair trigger reaction to criticism, desire to be on the same page as someone else
Vulnerability can feel excruciating.
Others might say "It's not always about you" I feel pressured to be upbeat and only say nice things to you
Goal to recognise genuine self is lovable, mistakes inevitable.
Centre of gravity in the other
Main focus is seeking approval for the false self as a performer/achiever and the special chosen one while hiding the vulnerable humiliated genuine self.
Fundamental dilemma: to be seen is to be rejected.
If I show my genuine self (in areas beyond performance) it will bring up my shark music- all the times I was attacked abandoned and or humiliated for being less than perfect.
They might idealize their relationship with their child but can't give concrete examples.
If parent seems to lack empathy, dismisses the child's need for comfort, therapy will need to include a rationale for meeting needs on the bottom of the circle. Need to avoid criticism but also avoid legitimising the parent's emphasis on pseudo-independence and achievement.
What does it mean when a parent isn't able to read his or her child's cues for closeness?
Why would a parent avoid her child's strong emotions, both positive and negative?
Safety Sensitivity
the cost of being connected to significant others is giving up who we really are and what we want-easily feel controlled and or intruded upon.
Therefore the way to keep ourselves i tact is to remain hidden and self-sufficient. We want to be close but we want to protect ourselves, dancing a compromise between intrusion /enslavemtn and isolation
Frustrating for our selves and others because we are neither fully in or nor fully out of relationship
When we get too close our sense of safety is in doubt.
Managing physical and emotional distance is vital for us.
We scan for signs another is dominant intrusive or too close.
Others might say "I want more from you." I don't want to control you, I just want to be close."
Goal: closeness doesn't necessarily mean enslavement, bringing ourselves into relationship doesn't require being intruded on invaded or controlled. Closeness and intimacy can be safe.
Centre of Gravity is managing distance, not too far, not too close.
main focus is maintaining a compromise of being 'not in' and 'not out' at the same time
Fundamental dilemma
To be in relationship is to lose myself, to have my self is to lose the closeness I actually want
If I enter into relationship I will be controlled or suffocated, if I stay out of relationship I will be free, but I will need to stay isolated and self-sufficient.
These parents focus more on function and less on feelings
They negate the importance of the relationship. Need to build tolerance for intimacy with their child by helping them realise it's just for a while their child needs to top up on comfort and then they will get the full indicator wiggle and be off again on the top of the circle.
the cost of being connected to significant others is giving up who we really are and what we want-easily feel controlled and or intruded upon.
Therefore the way to keep ourselves i tact is to remain hidden and self-sufficient. We want to be close but we want to protect ourselves, dancing a compromise between intrusion /enslavemtn and isolation
Frustrating for our selves and others because we are neither fully in or nor fully out of relationship
When we get too close our sense of safety is in doubt.
Managing physical and emotional distance is vital for us.
We scan for signs another is dominant intrusive or too close.
Others might say "I want more from you." I don't want to control you, I just want to be close."
Goal: closeness doesn't necessarily mean enslavement, bringing ourselves into relationship doesn't require being intruded on invaded or controlled. Closeness and intimacy can be safe.
Centre of Gravity is managing distance, not too far, not too close.
main focus is maintaining a compromise of being 'not in' and 'not out' at the same time
Fundamental dilemma
To be in relationship is to lose myself, to have my self is to lose the closeness I actually want
If I enter into relationship I will be controlled or suffocated, if I stay out of relationship I will be free, but I will need to stay isolated and self-sufficient.
These parents focus more on function and less on feelings
They negate the importance of the relationship. Need to build tolerance for intimacy with their child by helping them realise it's just for a while their child needs to top up on comfort and then they will get the full indicator wiggle and be off again on the top of the circle.
Core Sensitivities offer:
- Core sensitivivity offers a roadmap for avoiding and/or responding to parents defensiveness
- allows us to speak about defenses that helps parents understand their shark music
- clarifies what is important to do or not to do in treatment
Photo by Simon Greig Photo
Ability to Focus on the Self
Parents learn to focus on own thoughts, feelings, behaviours, moment to moment choices of increased vulnerability or increased self-defense.
(partner, child)
In a highly insecure or disorganized family, survival is often contingent on focusing on others and anticipating danger.
In such conditions the capacity to focus on self is impaired.
This is why creating a holding environment is so important to treatment outcomes.
(partner, child)
In a highly insecure or disorganized family, survival is often contingent on focusing on others and anticipating danger.
In such conditions the capacity to focus on self is impaired.
This is why creating a holding environment is so important to treatment outcomes.
Parents feel more vulnerable when they focus on themselves, not someone else
Photo by zilverbat.
empathy
Learned in early childhood
Associated with secure attachment
If parent is caught in blaming herself her learning will be significantly impaired.
Don't try and talk her out of her pain, but honor parent's history and her current feeling with empathy, support the parent's reflection on defenses against the feelings, help parent create a choice of nondefensive response that will better serve her and her child
Associated with secure attachment
If parent is caught in blaming herself her learning will be significantly impaired.
Don't try and talk her out of her pain, but honor parent's history and her current feeling with empathy, support the parent's reflection on defenses against the feelings, help parent create a choice of nondefensive response that will better serve her and her child
Parent's having empathy for themselves is vital.
When parents can see their relationship with their child
they can resist call of shark music & make other choices
Photo by fotoroto
reflective capacity
"It's not what happened to you as a child but the sense you make of it."
Dan Siegel
Does the parent:
1. awareness of intergenerational transmission of experience
2. interested in understanding thoughts & feelings of child
3. recognize the developmental stage of child and take this into consideration when trying to understand her behaviour?
4. show signs of mind mindedness?
5. do they step back and make a spontaneous reflective comment?
6. Is parent aware when they guess about what motivates a child's behaviour that is it a guess.-inaccurate attribution
7. open to updating their internal working model of the relationship? Prioritise being with over "progress"
1. awareness of intergenerational transmission of experience
2. interested in understanding thoughts & feelings of child
3. recognize the developmental stage of child and take this into consideration when trying to understand her behaviour?
4. show signs of mind mindedness?
5. do they step back and make a spontaneous reflective comment?
6. Is parent aware when they guess about what motivates a child's behaviour that is it a guess.-inaccurate attribution
7. open to updating their internal working model of the relationship? Prioritise being with over "progress"
Therapist's Hands
- therapist creates safe holding environment for the parent who has low reflective function.
- when mum or dad feels safe, they can see what has been hidden in plain sight.
- they can then develop reflective function.
reframe the presenting behavioural struggles as opportunity to support the relationship
position the therapist as the hands that hold the caregiver
Parents often position difficulty in the child because they fear the difficulty is with them-therapist must be sensitive to avoid triggering defenses
position the therapist as the hands that hold the caregiver
Parents often position difficulty in the child because they fear the difficulty is with them-therapist must be sensitive to avoid triggering defenses
Photo by nosha
What Parents are saying about COS:
One woman spoke of now being able to sit with her son when he is ‘melting down’, rub his back and offer a hug, and he takes the hug when he is ready.
One woman mentioned “you live with more love when you are OK with things”. This was in reference to the positive changes in her parenting and her relationship with her child. “I used to be scared of her and now I’m not”.
One woman spoke of significantly improved behaviour with her daughter’s toileting and eating as a result of putting aspects of the Circle into practice.
I am more present and listen and she (daughter) seems to come to me more about problems and talks”.
“I have learnt to deal with her (daughter) feelings more instead of ignoring them”.
“I feel like I finally ‘get’ my child, am not as angry with him and can empathise instead”.
“He’s loving having a Mum more ‘in tune’ with what he needs and is feeling”.
I am better at identifying my own reaction to stressful situations and approaching it more ‘wisely’.”
One woman mentioned “you live with more love when you are OK with things”. This was in reference to the positive changes in her parenting and her relationship with her child. “I used to be scared of her and now I’m not”.
One woman spoke of significantly improved behaviour with her daughter’s toileting and eating as a result of putting aspects of the Circle into practice.
I am more present and listen and she (daughter) seems to come to me more about problems and talks”.
“I have learnt to deal with her (daughter) feelings more instead of ignoring them”.
“I feel like I finally ‘get’ my child, am not as angry with him and can empathise instead”.
“He’s loving having a Mum more ‘in tune’ with what he needs and is feeling”.
I am better at identifying my own reaction to stressful situations and approaching it more ‘wisely’.”
Photo by Neeta Lind
