How do you prepare for these conversations? What conversations can you realistically plan for? Are there conversations that you presume will surface emotions? How can you plan for those emotions? Are you OVERplanning for emotions? What’s most important: the emotional wake or the content?

This is how we choose to show up in the situation. Our intent is formed form the principles we hold dear to us. Perhaps our intent is to be helpful and supportive of the individual because we believe in the principle of loyalty to those whom we serve. If so, what sort of things do you do / say to demonstrate helpfulness and support? What if you state this out loud to the client? “My intent is to help you through this transition and support your choices in the most effective way possible.” This is helpful to come back to when / if the client gets emotional OR we do. It helps to see the humanity you bring to the conversation even in a difficult interaction.

Why are you engaging in this conversation? Are you clear on this? I.e. delivering reassignment notice; informing employee of a complaint against them; etc?

Role – what role do you play in this conversation? I.e. HR consultant delivering refusal notice.

What role does the client/employee expect* you to fulfill and vice versa? What is the purpose of this conversation, from their perspective (often, you can ask for this)? What is their intent in this conversation (often, you detect this)?

* make sure you are clear on the boundaries of these expectations. For example, the client may ask that you provide financial advice. If you are not in that position, say so clearly. And offer them an alternative such as a referral to the appropriate source or a call back with a referral. I.e. “I hear you when you say you would like some financial advice on this. That is beyond my role here. How about I do a little research on your behalf and get back to you with an appropriate source who can help you with this?”

What is your core message that you need to deliver? Get clear on this and stick to it. Often, it helps to jot this down prior to the conversation. Recognize that when negative emotions come into play, it may be difficult for the client to hear you as these emotions – fear, sadness, anger – interfere with executive reasoning and processing. Check in with the client to see that they heard and understood your core message. I.e. “Let me check in with you: did you get an answer to your question? … What was it?”

If support for a client engaging in a sensitive topic is also necessary, could this be done at another time? If so, in what way, with whom, etc.? Have resources ready and offer another conversation when the client has had time to process your core message. Demonstrate your willingness and openness to talk again. Leave a follow up conversation open to the client within a timeframe, if it’s appropriate. I.e. “Can I make you an offer? Once you have had time to process this, I wonder if you would give me a call and let me know your thoughts on your next steps. Say, next Friday? Here are some resources to help with that. And know that I intend to make myself available to you and to answer your questions to make this as smooth as possible.”

This is explored and practiced in more depth in the 7Habits training. The sense here, however, is to restate what the client has said AND reflect the emotion that may be playing into things for him/her to ensure you grasp their issue clearly. The first form of paraphrasing is mimicking: restating exactly what the client says in their exact words (i.e. “My boss is always over my shoulder” -> “Your boss is always over your shoulder”). The next form is to paraphrase using some of their words but mostly your own (i.e. -> “Your boss hovers over you, monitoring everything you do”). The next is to paraphrase AND reflect the emotion that’s playing in. Notice that this level often needs courage to feel out the emotion. It’s helpful to seek verification from the client when you are running on a “hunch” about the emotional impact of a situation. (i.e. -> “Your boss hovers over you, monitoring everything you do which is upsetting you. Is that accurate?” OR “…which makes you feel angry. Correct me if I am wrong.”).

This may come into play if there are non-verbals that are drawing your attention, they seem important and are occurring right now. Get curious about these non-verbals and inquire into them w/o judgment or assumption about meaning. I.e. “I see that you have gone quiet. Can you tell me what’s going on for you now?”

It’s challenging when clients disclose sensitive topics to you. Recognize that this disclosure is a highly trusting move on their part. Acknowledge this trust with appreciation and a commitment of confidence (whenever possible). It doesn’t need to be a long statement but it does need to be genuine. I.e. “I want to acknowledge that this is a tough situation. And I appreciate your sharing your story with me: a fact that I will hold in confidence.” OR “I really respect your openness in sharing this with me. I want you to know that I will hold this in confidence.” Be clear on your ethical and legal responsibilities here and be clear with the client about how reporting works.

How we approach emotional responses from others says a lot about us and our orientation towards emotions. Are they good / bad / neutral? Does an emotional client bring out our emotions? When have we handled the emotions of others effectively, what was that like, what did we learn about us / others and how to respond?

Self-awareness about our assumptions about challenging conversations are critical, especially when conversations are important. (1) common assumption is that emotional responses are bad (2) therefore they should be avoided at all cost (3) emotions can be avoided. Consider: a shock (unexpected information) will have an emotional impact. This is not necessarily a “bad” thing. People need time. Consider how you enter a conversation: could you be “projecting” emotions onto the client unnecessarily? NOTE: a loud client ≠an angry client. Lastly, you don’t own their emotions. They do. Emotions don’t run the conversation, but they can be an important part of the conversation.

It's not always about saying the right thing or even about saying anything. Let the person work out what’s tough, if they choose to, in your presence. Listen with silence and empathy. Nod your head and simply hold the space for them to talk. Tissue at hand, simply put in front of them often works well. They may apologize for their emotions. Assure them that you are comfortable with emotions – even if you are not. That’s where silence helps. I.e. “That’s ok. I am fine. Take your time. Just let me know when you are ready to talk more. I will wait.”