21 Days of Best Self
Published on Feb 21, 2017
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Breathe
Day One
1. Relax your tongue and open your mouth slightly
2. Take a deep breath extending your belly below your ribs
3. Breathe in for the count of 3 and out for the count of 6
4. For a minute or two, breathe in for the count of 5 and out for the count of 5
*Do this when you go to bed, as well as anytime when you're feeling stressed.
**Adapted from "Just ONE Thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson PhD
2. Take a deep breath extending your belly below your ribs
3. Breathe in for the count of 3 and out for the count of 6
4. For a minute or two, breathe in for the count of 5 and out for the count of 5
*Do this when you go to bed, as well as anytime when you're feeling stressed.
**Adapted from "Just ONE Thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson PhD
Photo by Shari Alisha
Slow Down
Day Two
1. Do whatever you do more slowly -- eating, drinking, driving, responding to others
2. When the phone rings, take a deep breath or two -- then answer it
3. Listen slowly
4. Find what is good in this moment
*Adapted from "Just ONE Thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson PhD
2. When the phone rings, take a deep breath or two -- then answer it
3. Listen slowly
4. Find what is good in this moment
*Adapted from "Just ONE Thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson PhD
Photo by huggleperson
Set Your Intentions
Day Three
1. Don't let your anger get the better of you
2. If you do, call when you are able to resolve the disagreement
3. Make decisions based on what is right and what is best for your children
4. Make a good-faith written agreement - a treaty - where you both state how you want to handle the divorce and how you will handle impasses, and what your expectations are for each other.
*Adapted from "Just ONE Thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson PhD
2. If you do, call when you are able to resolve the disagreement
3. Make decisions based on what is right and what is best for your children
4. Make a good-faith written agreement - a treaty - where you both state how you want to handle the divorce and how you will handle impasses, and what your expectations are for each other.
*Adapted from "Just ONE Thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson PhD
Photo by Victoria Nevland
Suspend Your Beliefs
Day Four
When you watch the Wizard of Oz, do you walk out in the first scene when Dorothy meets Glinda the Good Witch?
Or do you suspend your beliefs, and wait to see how it all unfolds?
How about when you get into a discussion with your spouse and children? Do you walk away or shut down your listening because you "know" how it's going to go?
Suspend your beliefs, for this once, and be curious about how the interaction might evolve!
*Adapted from "Just ONE Thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson PhD
Or do you suspend your beliefs, and wait to see how it all unfolds?
How about when you get into a discussion with your spouse and children? Do you walk away or shut down your listening because you "know" how it's going to go?
Suspend your beliefs, for this once, and be curious about how the interaction might evolve!
*Adapted from "Just ONE Thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson PhD
Photo by ROSS HONG KONG
Listen
Day Five
1. Silence -- try 3 minutes of silence each day
2. Mixer -- listen to how many channels of sounds you can hear in a noisy environment
3. Savor -- savoring mundane sounds -- like your dryer or your coffee grinder
4. Position -- move your listening position to what is appropriate for what you are listening to: are you active/passive, reductive/expansive, or critical/empathetic
5. Use the acronym RASA to remember: receive, appreciate, summarize, ask
*Adapted from the TED talk https://www.ted.com/talks/julian_treasure_5_ways_to_listen_better
2. Mixer -- listen to how many channels of sounds you can hear in a noisy environment
3. Savor -- savoring mundane sounds -- like your dryer or your coffee grinder
4. Position -- move your listening position to what is appropriate for what you are listening to: are you active/passive, reductive/expansive, or critical/empathetic
5. Use the acronym RASA to remember: receive, appreciate, summarize, ask
*Adapted from the TED talk https://www.ted.com/talks/julian_treasure_5_ways_to_listen_better
Photo by sadmafioso
Keep Your Balance
Day Six
Three ways to keep your balance in any difficult situation:
1. Recognize what you are feeling. Name it. The act of considering and then labeling an emotion transforms the emotion into an object of scrutiny and disrupts the intensity.
2. Distance yourself: Pretend you are a fly on the wall. Do not immerse yourself in the anger or hurt you are feeling. This will dissipate the emotions as you observe them from a distance.
3. Pause for a snack. Apples, nuts and cheese can restore what your brain needs to function better. Avoid sugary foods.
*Adapted from Tammy Lenski's "7 Simple Practices for Staying Calm in Conflict"
1. Recognize what you are feeling. Name it. The act of considering and then labeling an emotion transforms the emotion into an object of scrutiny and disrupts the intensity.
2. Distance yourself: Pretend you are a fly on the wall. Do not immerse yourself in the anger or hurt you are feeling. This will dissipate the emotions as you observe them from a distance.
3. Pause for a snack. Apples, nuts and cheese can restore what your brain needs to function better. Avoid sugary foods.
*Adapted from Tammy Lenski's "7 Simple Practices for Staying Calm in Conflict"
Photo by orangebrompton
Check Energy Reserves
Day Seven
1. Limit your contact with your spouse to what you can handle
2. Check in with yourself when you feel your reserves waning:
*What do I need right now?
*What can I do to take care of myself?
3. Communicate with your spouse about your need to step back from time to time to think things over
4. Be clear with everyone that stepping back is not a hostile move -- simply a way of providing yourself what you need to be a credible part of the process.
*Adapted from "Healthy Divorce -- Keys to Ending Your Marriage While Still Preserving Your Emotional Well Being," by Lois Gold
2. Check in with yourself when you feel your reserves waning:
*What do I need right now?
*What can I do to take care of myself?
3. Communicate with your spouse about your need to step back from time to time to think things over
4. Be clear with everyone that stepping back is not a hostile move -- simply a way of providing yourself what you need to be a credible part of the process.
*Adapted from "Healthy Divorce -- Keys to Ending Your Marriage While Still Preserving Your Emotional Well Being," by Lois Gold
Patience
Day Eight
1. Step back from your thoughts that make you impatient
2. Be aware of body sensations triggered by discomfort and frustration
3. Tolerate those sensations without reacting with frustration
4. When you feel impatient, that you are wasting your time, look around and find things that are beautiful
5. Breathe and wish others well
6. Pick a relationship and deliberately bring more patience and compassion to it. React more slowly and thoughtfully
*Adapted from "Just ONE Thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson PhD
2. Be aware of body sensations triggered by discomfort and frustration
3. Tolerate those sensations without reacting with frustration
4. When you feel impatient, that you are wasting your time, look around and find things that are beautiful
5. Breathe and wish others well
6. Pick a relationship and deliberately bring more patience and compassion to it. React more slowly and thoughtfully
*Adapted from "Just ONE Thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson PhD
Photo by aftab.
Patience
Day Eight
1. Step back from your thoughts that make you impatient
2. Be aware of body sensations triggered by discomfort and frustration
3. Tolerate those sensations without reacting with frustration
4. When you feel impatient, that you are wasting your time, look around and find things that are beautiful
5. Breathe and wish others well
6. Pick a relationship and deliberately bring more patience and compassion to it. React more slowly and thoughtfully
*Adapted from "Just ONE Thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson PhD
2. Be aware of body sensations triggered by discomfort and frustration
3. Tolerate those sensations without reacting with frustration
4. When you feel impatient, that you are wasting your time, look around and find things that are beautiful
5. Breathe and wish others well
6. Pick a relationship and deliberately bring more patience and compassion to it. React more slowly and thoughtfully
*Adapted from "Just ONE Thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson PhD
Photo by aftab.
Be Grateful
Day Nine
1. Look for the good facts and turn them into good experiences. It's easy to look for negatives, our brains are wired to do that!
2. Let yourself feel good about the small things that happen every day: sun shines, flowers bloom, someone is friendly to you, you hit all of the green lights, etc.
3. Enjoy the experience -- take it into your body -- stay with it for 10/20/30 seconds
4. Look around and notice the gifts you have around you in the natural world: a lovely sunset, a smile, someone reaching out for help, or offering assistance
5. Accept the gifts and appreciate them right now
*Adapted from "Just ONE Thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson PhD
2. Let yourself feel good about the small things that happen every day: sun shines, flowers bloom, someone is friendly to you, you hit all of the green lights, etc.
3. Enjoy the experience -- take it into your body -- stay with it for 10/20/30 seconds
4. Look around and notice the gifts you have around you in the natural world: a lovely sunset, a smile, someone reaching out for help, or offering assistance
5. Accept the gifts and appreciate them right now
*Adapted from "Just ONE Thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson PhD
Photo by WarzauWynn
Resilience
Day Ten
1. Think of a time when you overcame what seemed at the time to be an insurmountable challenge
2. When you met the challenge, how did you feel in that moment?
3. What strengths showed up for you in meeting that challenge?
4. Reflect on the current challenge you are experiencing, and imagine feeling that same feeling -- what would be the next step for you to take?
5. How could you apply those same strengths you discovered earlier in the situation?
2. When you met the challenge, how did you feel in that moment?
3. What strengths showed up for you in meeting that challenge?
4. Reflect on the current challenge you are experiencing, and imagine feeling that same feeling -- what would be the next step for you to take?
5. How could you apply those same strengths you discovered earlier in the situation?
Photo by El Chepi
Feel Compassion
Day Eleven
1. Acknowledge what hurts
2. Imagine someone you naturally feel compassion for
3. Imagine how you would respond to them in this situation
4. Be that compassionate person for yourself
5. Use words like: "may I feel strong," "may this challenge pass," "may I feel love," "may I feel peace"
*Adapted from "Just ONE Thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson PhD
2. Imagine someone you naturally feel compassion for
3. Imagine how you would respond to them in this situation
4. Be that compassionate person for yourself
5. Use words like: "may I feel strong," "may this challenge pass," "may I feel love," "may I feel peace"
*Adapted from "Just ONE Thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson PhD
Photo by AlicePopkorn
Be Curious
Day Twelve
1. Look deeper and be interested in what is under the surface
*Ask yourself what does this situation remind me of?
*Does this bring back experiences from when you were younger?
2. Look wider to broaden your view:
*What good intentions are present that you may not have seen at first glance?
*What factors might be at work in your mind that perceived this situation as a threat?
3. Look again to keep unraveling the know
*Maintain an attitude of wonder and fearlessness -- see the situation anew each time you look at it again.
*Adapted from "Just ONE Thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson PhD
*Ask yourself what does this situation remind me of?
*Does this bring back experiences from when you were younger?
2. Look wider to broaden your view:
*What good intentions are present that you may not have seen at first glance?
*What factors might be at work in your mind that perceived this situation as a threat?
3. Look again to keep unraveling the know
*Maintain an attitude of wonder and fearlessness -- see the situation anew each time you look at it again.
*Adapted from "Just ONE Thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson PhD
Photo by zubrow
Don't Take it Personally
Day Thirteen
If you're on the high road and the other person is in survival mode on the low road:
1. Whatever they are saying is not about you -- it is about their needs and their fears
2. Be fully present to what they are saying for at least two minutes
3. Acknowledge and validate their feelings -- this doesn't mean that you agree -- only that you have heard what they are saying
4. Ask what they need right now -- help them to describe what it is that they want -- not what they don't want.
Adapted from "Shifting Gears: A Brain Based Approach to Engaging Your Best Self," By Robin Rose
1. Whatever they are saying is not about you -- it is about their needs and their fears
2. Be fully present to what they are saying for at least two minutes
3. Acknowledge and validate their feelings -- this doesn't mean that you agree -- only that you have heard what they are saying
4. Ask what they need right now -- help them to describe what it is that they want -- not what they don't want.
Adapted from "Shifting Gears: A Brain Based Approach to Engaging Your Best Self," By Robin Rose
Photo by Eric Kilby
Respect Boundaries
Day Fourteen
1. Interior Boundaries: Messages given to you by your internal knowing -- your body, mind, and spirit -- all inform you to take better care of yourself, and are signs that you are out of balance
2. Exterior Boundaries: The lines you draw between you and others where you decide what is OK and what is not
3. Proactive Boundaries: Steps you take to protect yourself before problems occur -- for example, if at a family event you know your divorce will come up, get someone to intervene on your behalf and say that that is off limits
4. Reactive Boundaries: Boundaries you put in place to protect yourself from reacting, or responding to someone who tries to bait you with insults or criticism
*Adapted from "Thriving After Divorce," by Tonya Weimer
2. Exterior Boundaries: The lines you draw between you and others where you decide what is OK and what is not
3. Proactive Boundaries: Steps you take to protect yourself before problems occur -- for example, if at a family event you know your divorce will come up, get someone to intervene on your behalf and say that that is off limits
4. Reactive Boundaries: Boundaries you put in place to protect yourself from reacting, or responding to someone who tries to bait you with insults or criticism
*Adapted from "Thriving After Divorce," by Tonya Weimer
Photo by enggul
Let Go
Day Fifteen
Releasing pain, dropping thoughts that cause you and others harm, and surrendering to the way it is...
1. Notice any resistance you have to letting go -- notice what you think it says about you
2. Imagine you are a flexible birch or willow that can bend with the burdens you carry
3. Notice areas where you are holding on and notice what happens when you clear out the clutter:
*Closets
*Email
*Tension in your body
4. Pick a grievance or a resentment you have been holding onto for sometime
*Be aware of feelings that come up
*Be compassionate with yourself about them
*Move those feelings out the door
*Replace the thoughts with different, more empowering thoughts
*Adapted from "Just ONE thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson, PhD
1. Notice any resistance you have to letting go -- notice what you think it says about you
2. Imagine you are a flexible birch or willow that can bend with the burdens you carry
3. Notice areas where you are holding on and notice what happens when you clear out the clutter:
*Closets
*Tension in your body
4. Pick a grievance or a resentment you have been holding onto for sometime
*Be aware of feelings that come up
*Be compassionate with yourself about them
*Move those feelings out the door
*Replace the thoughts with different, more empowering thoughts
*Adapted from "Just ONE thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson, PhD
Photo by MLazarevski
Be Your Best Self
Day Sixteen
Be Your Best Self Without Compromising Your Values:
1. Identify top 5 values
2. Observe the choices you make every day and assess how frequently they align with your best self values
Recognize When You Are In Survival Mode (Fight or Flight):
1. Breathe, slow down, get perspective
2. Notice your tone of voice, your patience, and your openness to others
3. This is the moment to be compassionate with yourself and others -- we are all human beings with wants, need, and concerns
1. Identify top 5 values
2. Observe the choices you make every day and assess how frequently they align with your best self values
Recognize When You Are In Survival Mode (Fight or Flight):
1. Breathe, slow down, get perspective
2. Notice your tone of voice, your patience, and your openness to others
3. This is the moment to be compassionate with yourself and others -- we are all human beings with wants, need, and concerns
Photo by mynameisharsha
Forgive Yourself
Day Seventeen
1. Get in touch with being cared for by someone in your life today or in the past
2. Ask your best self to identify your best qualities
3. Whatever you are beating yourself up about:
*Acknowledge the facts
*Notice the impact you had on someone else or yourself
*Sort out what happened into 3 categories:
A) Out of sync with best self
B) Unskillfulness
C) Everything else
*Adapted from "Just ONE thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson, PhD
2. Ask your best self to identify your best qualities
3. Whatever you are beating yourself up about:
*Acknowledge the facts
*Notice the impact you had on someone else or yourself
*Sort out what happened into 3 categories:
A) Out of sync with best self
B) Unskillfulness
C) Everything else
*Adapted from "Just ONE thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson, PhD
Photo by Connor Tarter
Forgive Yourself Cont.
- Take responsibility for not being your best self
- Acknowledge what you have learned and what you have done to repair the situation
- Decide if there is anything else to be done -- and do it
- Check in with your best self to see if there's anything else to be done
- Actively forgive yourself
- Declare out loud: "I am at peace!"
*Adapted from "Just ONE thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson, PhD
Choose to Say Yes!
Day Eighteen
1. Saying YES means you are accepting the facts as they are right now, even if you are trying to change them
2. Say YES to something you are neutral to
3. Say YES to something you don't like -- get the sense that you are OK even though you don't like the situation
4. Feel acceptance of your YES -- accepting what it is instead of being in an argument with the current reality
*Adapted from "Just ONE thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson, PhD
2. Say YES to something you are neutral to
3. Say YES to something you don't like -- get the sense that you are OK even though you don't like the situation
4. Feel acceptance of your YES -- accepting what it is instead of being in an argument with the current reality
*Adapted from "Just ONE thing -- Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time," by Rick Hanson, PhD
Photo by Jeremy Brooks
Take the High Road
Day Nineteen
1. Show your children or others in your family how to be gracious in dealing with life's most challenging moments
2. Retain your dignity by honoring who you are and who they are
3. Be civil to each other for the sake of your shared family or social networks
4. Be at your best even when you aren't feeling good
5. When you make a mistake, acknowledge that you weren't being the way you want to be
2. Retain your dignity by honoring who you are and who they are
3. Be civil to each other for the sake of your shared family or social networks
4. Be at your best even when you aren't feeling good
5. When you make a mistake, acknowledge that you weren't being the way you want to be
Photo by PeterThoeny
Be a Role Model
Day Twenty
1. Bring to mind those close to you who may be looking to you as a role model -- your children, co-workers, even friends and associates
2. Recognize that as you discover your own version of your best self, you may be helping others find their best self at the same time
3. Write dow the ways in which you inspire, guide, and uplift those close to you
4. Think about 2 -3 people in particular whom you could inspire -- by when will you connect with them?
2. Recognize that as you discover your own version of your best self, you may be helping others find their best self at the same time
3. Write dow the ways in which you inspire, guide, and uplift those close to you
4. Think about 2 -3 people in particular whom you could inspire -- by when will you connect with them?
Photo by yosoyjulito
Best Self Exercise
Day 21
1. Think about 4 – 5 of people who have had a positive influence on you -- write down each name and
identify 2 – 3 attributes that you admire in them
2. Think about you among your fiends or family -- when you are being your best self -- what attributes are they seeing in you? Write these down.
3. Think about yourself, and being your best self, what attributes are you displaying when you are fully alive and fully engaged? Write these down.
identify 2 – 3 attributes that you admire in them
2. Think about you among your fiends or family -- when you are being your best self -- what attributes are they seeing in you? Write these down.
3. Think about yourself, and being your best self, what attributes are you displaying when you are fully alive and fully engaged? Write these down.
Photo by seanrainer
Congrats! You did it!
You've completed the 21 Days of Best Self Exercises. And this is just the beginning...
Photo by poppet with a camera
Kira Gould, www.getting-unmarried.com
I'll be your thinking partner and guide through divorce
